23.

On this day 23 years ago my mum woke me up and asked me to aim my first wee of the day into an empty pickled onion jar, setting the tone for my undignified life with type 1 diabetes.

We walked into the doctor’s surgery that morning, jar nestled casually amongst mum’s car keys and purse, and walked out less than half an hour later with a new existence.

23 years is a long time to have grappled with the broad strokes as well as the many nuanced intricacies of a chronic condition. I’m healthier than I’ve ever been and lucky enough to have benefited from advances in technology that mean I can get on with life.

But despite this; despite learning over the years to like myself, to make room for my type 1 diabetes and sometimes to even be grateful for it, it’s still a work in progress. Yesterday my insulin pump glitched and I had to pull a syringe in the middle of the office, which made me feel weird and kind of cool. The day before that my CGM alarm went off in the middle of an important interview, which made me feel exposed and also grateful. The day before that someone I don’t know that well cared to ask me if my blood sugar was ok before saying anything else to me that day, which made me feel vulnerable and also really safe.

Type 1 doesn’t sit nicely in boxes, it doesn’t follow a formula. It’s never entirely good nor wholly bad – it’s many, many strange, obscure, impressive, funny, powerful and difficult things, all at the same time.

But over the years I’ve also learned that this is the essence of life, and that it’s not a thing to fight against. There is no point at which life is complete and whole and tied nicely in a bow, and my diabetes isn’t something that I can extrapolate and deal with separately. Life can be (and is) fragile and vulnerable and challenging as much as it can be (and is) joyful and true and hopeful. You can have your shit together while being a hot mess. I am. I do.

And I wouldn’t swap this messy work-in-progress life laden with insulin and emotions, because feeling so much leaves me in no doubt that I am not just existing, but that I am entirely alive. And today I am 23 as much as I am 31. All at the same time.